41. The respect of the means
Tong asked three times Heidi that he was free to continue the reading of the Book of « the Child ». The young woman gave him his smile back and says three times:
- It is not the time… It is necessary to leave his Time to this Child.
The long monk looked at her interrogative. She pretended not to perceive his concern. Then after a moment, not being able to remain distant from her, he opened the mouth and let leave from his lips the words which made the brow of the young woman being furrowed with worry.
- Tong… Come on! … Let thus time to the death to leave so that life takes again its place.
- But what is it death in this already so old story?
- True death, it is only the forgetting of the life, she says while closing the eyes on the anger which started to come in her belly. He does it purposely! … With his questions which stir up the uselessness of the words!
- You want to say that this « Angel Bret », gives again life to the child?
- One would not say that « the other » Angel did not show you during the three full moons how to live ten lives in the same breathing! She says with the anger which left her eyes now.
… But what have you thus felt in your body? … Really! … Has he wasted his time with you to try to give again life to all your miscarried dashes since lives and lives!
… Haven’t you with me heard him saying and repeating that only the acceleration of the time pushed to the limit of its movement could enable you to escape the prison of the past?
- Yes, says Tong.
- Then, you do not understand that he gives life again to the movement of this child and that will be MORE the reality that the one which was lived by the child! … That this new REALITY will be the one which will be registered in the Universe!!!! … That this child will be able to return with this new CAPITAL… and to have finished with the FAILURE… You understand that, monk without body and brain!
The young woman now showed her anger by all the pores of her skin, by flames of her eyes… by claws of her hands which plowed the ground in front of her because she was kneeling to give new flowers to the earth in front of the pavilion of « her Angel ».
- Yes, I believe to understand that, acknowledged the long monk.
- Why thus all these idiot questions and your revivals when I said to you « no »! … Because I can now say « NO! » and it is this child who taught it to me! … Then I can maybe also help him « to have his time », you do not believe, large monk without the heart in the body!
- Shut up thus and go back on your roof… I am sure that the others wait for you with impatient… since you tell them « all » what comes from me so much so that I believe that they know how much pubic hair I have … to see their glance on me when I am in the courtyard !
- That is not true… Heidi!
- I would prefer you to say that to them on me instead of making me pass for the « doubled word » of Angel… That, I really do not like it!
- You did not realize that I am not anymore a woman of « second hand »! … Did you realize it, small large monk still worried only about his logics! … But, by all the Kamis, you did not understand the Magic of the Universe and the marvellous possibility of repairing everything, of reviving everything and of making leave the present on another thing that the former! … What else has He done with « both of us » than that, this « Angel » here! … To show us in each one of his breathing how to live thousand times at the same time and never let the failure be written in the Large Book of the Universe…
Her blazing glance burned the pupils of the monk and she added by detaching each of the words:
- Then be sure that I could say to you CLEARLY when it is Time to take again the sounds of the Book and to modify the vibration of the Time… Understood?
The long monk left. Heidi continued to scrape the earth in front of the veranda of the pavilion. She turned the back on the wall which separated from the courtyard of the monks. They could not see the tears which ran on her cheeks.
- Even him, Tong, he does no know how to love You! … He does not know how to follow Your Time and be let rocked by it… He wants to intervene with his time, his own him!
She shook the head, upseted.
- However how many time You has spent with him to show him by the vibrations of Your body!
… And he continues to follow « his » own time! … I do not understand anything anymore to the Men! … May be they do not know how to love, quite simply.
The earth received the force of her hands. She worked very late until the night which did not make it possible anymore to follow the movements of her fingers.
She went up the steps giving to the veranda and lit the candle in the room. She organized the room like each evening. She opened the bed. She prepared the nightdress.
Then she put a stick of incense and she reached the small recess which she occupied and lied her tired body.
« How I am tired of the Men! … So and You! … How were you able to survive such a long time with them and always to continue to love them? … Because that is a great mystery for me… You see that you must return for learning it to me !»
The following day Tong asked once again why to let pass the time.
- Don’t you understand that it is a combat against death! says Heidi.
Her words reasoned in the silence of the morning. She had no desire to once again treat tactfully the long monk who pretended not to understand to collect the energy of her attention. This loneliness without the young White was too heavy for him. He had a very real suffering of this absence.
Also she did not repeat once again the same words, the same explanations. He knew. Why adding?
Then she pointed out to him what the young White said to them about suffering.
- Do you remember what He said on the suffering?
- Yes, he says… That the suffering is always related to a lack.
- Whereas what do you miss so that your suffering is there now?
- Him… I miss him. I have the feeling to be lost without him. I do not have anymore any support for my action.
- Then that wants to say that you used him as a security force… only that… she says gently because she did not want to upset even more the space with her disappointment…
He mistook on her silence which was prolonged and he says, him also gently:
- It was for me as The One who is on the way very far in front of me and who can guide me.
- Oh! … But there is no way! … she says with force in her astonishment to hear that in the mouth of Tong… You has not hear what he always said « all is spatial… Also there is neither beginning nor end… There are no beginners and no advanced… There is only the moment of the present and your possibilities of making it vibrate! »… do you remember that my friend?
She looked so unhappy to say that! … Tong saw water in her eyes.
- I understand that, he says… I understand it with my brain and my intelligence… I also understand it with my heart! … but my body is unable not to feel alone, abandoned.
- And what is in action in the reflex of the everyday life it is the intelligence of your body… as He always said it… she says sadly.
… then I cannot do something for you, my friend…
… as long as this lack there will remain in you, you will have the suffering like partner.
- But I want you to be my partner! howled almost the long monk full with pains increased by hearing the young woman speak like that.
She looked at him in the deepest of his eyes. He felt the penetration of the gleam of her eyes to her in his eyes, and he heard these words which entered him to turn in his belly and tortured him.
- I am not the Partner of the Suffering!
« I am the Partner of the Life that you show us, my Angel ». That was these words which slipped in silence into her heart but the long monk did not hear them.
She turned the back to Tong and entered the room of the one she loved. She had gathered some flowers of the meadow this morning.
« I do not miss You, my Angel… You carry out a combat against Death and I help you… Such is the only role of the spouse: to give her force to the husband so that he can work… and immediately, you need Time to fight the death of this child… Then takes the Time in me and do not worried of the rest…I am strong! »
And the memory returned to her suddenly, like a cloud which wraps her and gives her its force and its knowledge…
It was still an evening in front of the moon which came over the top of the crests. He taught her a lot on the so close link between the Man and the Woman, the Wife and the Husband. He said to her this evening words which struck her heart to make it fainting. He said:
- The Woman is the Worst for the Man…
- But, you had said that the woman is the future of the man!
- Yes… the woman is the door for the man because he can then reach a space of happiness and of peace which is not invented by the intellect…
… but if the woman closes the door, then she is the worst for the man!
- But how is that possible?
- The man will enter the woman because he has in his memory that she is the door for him to this bliss… But that is a memory which is related to the genetic coding at the time of separation between the man and the woman.
- Yes, I know that… I saw that when you opened my memories while posing your hands on my heart.
- You have not been rather deep in your knowledge of the universe yet … Because then you would have perceived that this memory is a trap installed in the genetic coding and intended for the man so that he is absorbed in the woman and loses himself there!
- Shit! … You say there the horror of the woman and I feel that true! she howled.
- If the woman is an ordinary woman, she will be a trap for the man. But if the man is an ordinary man, this trap will suit him well and he will find an installation in the play of the sexes which is aggressiveness in movement… And it will be the ordinary life such as it is practiced by almost everyone.
… but if the woman is not ordinary, if she feels that she has another destiny in her that « to eat and immobilize him in her » the man, then she will make everything to give to the man that she loves the space which is necessary for him to grow… It will be then a True Woman.
… and the True Man, him, will give his wife the means that she will ask him for continuing to be herself… Thus the True Man will be the servant of his wife.
The cloud encircled her head which turned. She was held at the wooden wall. Then these words came in her mouth and her lips half-opened.
« You need time… I would thus be your space Time … Take in me what you need ».
Then the third day she says to Tong « Read ».
- So Mr Nocquet, we go fishing this morning?
Mr Albert awaited him now every morning in the kitchen and welcomed him with this sentence.
As days go by, Bret had won minutes for the getting up without seeming an original. Also, it is without any noise that he began Zazen at four a.m. on the balcony of which he had taken care to leave the doors open because the hinges squeaked.
He had not dared to ask for having a thermos of tea prepared the evening and it was with great pleasure that he went down to the kitchen around six thirty a.m. Now, the inn-keeper awaited him there, both of them freshly shaven. For fifteen days that he was there, his wife was full of praise on the influence which he had on her husband.
- You realize, My Good Mister! … One could not raise him anymore in the morning… If one lets him do, it is right for the aperitif of midday that he was going to put the feet out of the bed.
They did not shake hands but looked at each other like friends seeking on the other the signs satisfying of a good night.
- You think that the fish will bite today?
- Come on! and it is you who ask me the question! … Without wanting to hurt your feelings, my good Mr Nocquet, I had thought that it was well the last thing which interests you in fishing.
- It is so beautiful on water…
- Yes, really… There you are well right … It is curious that it is sometimes the foreigners who relearn you to like your country, nevertheless!
- The weather will be nice, I believe.
- I think so… a little mist this morning but that will rise… In any case, that does not bother you?
- You, you want… Come on… Thank you… just half bowl.
They drank in silence, the eyes lost beyond the window, towards the river and its trees, its noises… the odors…
- You will leave soon, won’t you?
- Yes… in one or two days.
- I felt it… I do not know if after I still will be like that…
- It is just the positioning of the consciousness… What does it matter !… It is not to lie to yourself which counts. You like your river… Thus let it involve you, it knows the life much better than you…
- Eh! it is precisely of that which I dreamed this night… Curious all the same… But with you, everything is curious; one does not have the impression to live on the same level as usual… You know, Mr Nocquet, except your respect, you are really not big and at the very most, you do not reach more than your meter seventy, but… I do not know how to say that, it is as which would say that you take much more place than you look.
- IS there more tea?
- Of course! … I took the habit of the liter which you swallow each morning.
- You have seen, for STEPHANE? … It is atrocious the fight of this kid. Everyone hopes well that they will take loads.
… but you see, the worst, it is the parents…
… it is not even true…, the worst, it is all those who must « take care »
- I think that it is time.
- Sorry… You know that one only speaks about him! Listen I said yesterday to Germaine that we would have liked to have him at home this kid… But you know, the worst, it is those which must take care… the teacher, the priest… and then shit, must really say it, the parents… You know, since, the Germaine and me, we can no longer see the cops and all « these ones » in the same way… Then all the others as I said to you… It is idiot!
… The mist will rise. I do not even know why « it is idiot »… I know nothing of it and you see, it is this thing which worries me… I do not even know why I speak to you like that! … It is a thing stronger than me… I cannot stop! … « It is idiot »… I have the feeling to lose my life… It is stupid but it is like that.
- Yes, I know
- Hey! you believe that the Germaine she is right by saying that I am a little nut… There is days like today where I wonder seriously… The most beautiful, it is that I see myself emotive not to be able to control the words anymore and that at the same time I can do nothing it must go out!
- Yes, I know.
- I do not know what you know… I do not even arrive at knowing what you know… It is idiot. It is stronger than me… There is as which one would say a thing which tears me inside! … I do not know! it is as which one would say a wound which was there and which I had not seen… I can say to you that it bleeds to cut my breathe!
- You think that the fish will bite?
- Hold I will say to you! … for fish, it is as if I were a beautiful one…
- The day will be beautiful. Off we go there?
- Yes, it will be beautiful! We go.
He waited thus, quietly, passing from the flat-bottomed boat to the path following the river.
For everybody, he took holidays. But he waited.
It was by one morning where the early sun was broken already the mist which arrived the last news.
- You realize… It is a shame! Now it is the journalist who is attacked. They say that he did not have the right « to reveal » these information without having prevented « the authorized person »!
- Yes, Mrs Germaine! … ASHAMED! … A named Chity, I believe… from the Figaro.
Then he knew that he could finish the case.
- I will not be there for lunch, Mrs Germaine…
- Ah! you have thus still to do in Paris, my Good Mr Nocquet? … You have seen the newspaper! … Shocking, I say to you. Not thinkable! … But it is well thanks to him, this Chity, that one has discovered everything!
He has preferred to go to Paris and to leave the car in a carpark to go to Mrs Broussard. This big car could have intrigued. He took the subway then the RER.
- AH! it is you? … Come in.
- You have what I asked you?
- Before taking news of Yoko? …
- Yes… Give.
- Do you know that WE remained almost three days in the most complete anguish?
- And that does not make you more effects! … Three days! you realize. One did not know where you were, alive or dead… The Roshi on a journey.
- You are curious boy… Yoko… However you liked her.
-And you did not say more! … Not an explanation… Our anguishes…
- I do not understand, my boy…
- To wish a role, it is easy. Another thing to have the shoulders to play it.
- Still do not understand.
- You have wanted your independence… Give this document.
- There…I fear to start to understand…
- Good evening.
The door was closed again on him with the silence of the sorrow which one discovers suddenly. It is always thus. One likes so much to break, to destroy. It is after that one understands and the friendship is never redeemed. He had already said it to her. That her coffin be as she had built it.
He returned on the Ile de la Citée and walked on the banks. Here also water gleamed under the sun.
- Ah! It is you? … I have a lot of troubles…
- I know.
- You realize! I have just received a summons to appear before the Court of first instance in civil and criminal matters of Paris! … Launched by the Public Prosecutor and you know the reason of it?
- Ah! I had forgotten. What you do not know? … But it is me which will tape the rap because they launch me between the legs an « obstruction to criminal investigation ». I should have prevented them « initially » they say.
- No. You will have nothing.
-????? … Well, I take again my breath and while doing it, ask you what you understand by there?
- In half an hour at the coffee of the angle of place BEAUBOURG.
He has arrived in twenty minutes. Bret had just settled.
- A beer for me… You have already ordered?
Bret showed him on the iron round table the kraft paper envelope.
Chity stretched out the arm and he saw that the hand trembled slightly. The journalist wanted to hide his concern under his joke but he hardly reached that point. What one put in his legs proved to be very dangerous. He made his job… But know what the judges can think… The political drafts exist and he is well placed to know it.
He had kept his sunglasses. After one moment of glance on the single sheet under plastic which he left from the envelope, he withdrew them in an abrupt gesture and they fell on the floor. He read, then read again the very short text, ten lines at most. He did no longer hold the document only by one hand because he started to tremble so extremely that he has fears to tear it.
He could not think anymore. His brain had just blocked. He did not realize that the plastic small pocket protected the letter as well from his own prints, as of the tear… He posed it on the table, beside his beer whose foam dropped.
He put his head between his hands and massage the temples, the nape of the neck, in a calm and slow gesture of the one who has nothing anymore but that to know himself alive.
- It is not rubbish? … No… You have never made up me jokes… Fuck! …
He read again another time, then still another, and his hand continued to tremble.
- Fuck! … I am saved! … Not possible that THEY get over it.
- I would rather say than you are in danger of death if you do not know how to exploit this document… You guess that ONE will be able to kill a lot to recover it.
- Look! my Prince Archi-Duc… Do not worry for that. You will see how WE will make them waltzing… Because, for once, WE are really ALL agree in the Profession. Their attack is inadmissible even if THEY manage to make it pass juridically…
He had to take again his breathing.
- But why you did not speak of it to me before… I would not have worry so much.
- You would not have been so convincing in your articles… Uncertainty helps the man to find good ideas.
- Hey, it is true, isn't it? … I hardly dare to believe in it.
- All the analyzes which could be made on this document will show that the sheet really comes from the office of the President, that the writing is well that of one of his privileged advisers, that the prints are well those of this adviser and of the chief of the Police force… What do you want moreover?
- Nothing… Shit! … An order to dropping the Cola's case! … shit! But why?
- I have not sought until there… But you have the « good reason » to have gone it alone without the Police force… Have you seen the date?
- Fuck! … I thus say that an « anonymous » send me « that » from the outset and that he asked me in exchange to save the memory of this boy whom one was going thus to bury… I see the thing like that.
- Very well… Insist once again on the courage of STEPHANE… He deserves it.
- I think well!
- The weather is nice… I do not know what to say to you, My Prince… Hey, let me pay your strawberry Vichy that you knock back. Another?
« How you are beautiful, this Angel Bret … You respect the one who has helped you… The one who has helped you becomes your friend… and that one there, you support him in the adversity. »
Heidi spoke in the secrecy of her heart and the long monk has not heard anything.
The Master said to Hiro:
- This small woman works for us.
- I do not understand says the monk.
- I know answered the old man… You do not understand the Magic of the universe between Bam and Yam.
- Her, in her Bam, says that she needs for his Yam… and he will come to fetch her.
- To fetch?
- Yes, he will not give her up because she loves him and gives her to him… She is the means that he has to work among the men and he will protects the means.
- Thus we will be able to again capture him.
- Through her?
- Yes, she will be the bait.