42. Death does not exist
Hiro said to the monks that the Master is sick and very weakened. It was necessary to let him time to recover from a cooling. The monks nodded. They understood. The Master is so old!
But they accepted easily this absence of the old man. The teachings of Heidi, through Tong, fascinated them. Their flesh vibrated. They felt alive. Enthusiasm was their daily bread and they enjoyed it.
- This little one becomes a plague for the monastery, said the Master cook to the old man who smiled, lying on his bed.
- It is our chance on the contrary, said the Master.
- I cannot understand the logic of all these actions, recognized the monk.
- It is normal, my friend, answered the old man… It is a dance in the Universe between Bam and Yam.
- She is Yam?
- Of course, says the Master!
- Then us, we are what in this play?
- Do not fear the words, my friend… We are Bam.
- But why only It?
- Because we love the men says the old man gently.
- But them! … It is clear that they also love the men! … One perceives in this woman an enormous love for the life… and it is what carries the monks away!
- Of course says the Master… She has an enormous love… But it is not the same one.
- I do not understand…
- We, we want the Force of life to continue to survive… Her, she gives herself to this Force and to survive is not her request.
- I still do not understand… continued Hiro.
- It is only a question of « time » says the Master… We do not have the same time… and we need my son to change Time.
- I am completely disconnected now!
- That does not do anything because comprehension or its absence will not change anything in this play in the universe.
- Then you do not want to teach me anymore, asked Hiro sadly.
- Of course that I continue to teach you! … What do I do at each second of my breathings! … thundered the Master … I only say to you that the play between Bam and Yam is independent of the comprehension of the men… It is a mutual relation which exists by itself and which is self-sufficient… Except when arrives a very « special » Being like my son of « now » who has the intention for changing the « rules of the game ».
- It is true that this one was « special » howls the Mongolian monk.
- But as « special » as he « is », he is related to the happiness of the Men and it is in that this mountain young person helps us well…
- In what! howls the Mongolian … She messes things up as it is not possible in this monastery and each one tries hard to find «new ways » as they say it! … They do no longer listen to what I say! … It is Tong which they wait for teaching them the movements of the body!
- But that is perfect, laughs the old man… You do not feel that this different vibration of this place will attract my son again!
- Then we will again be able to eat him, laughed Hiro… Believe well that I will know how to cook him this one!
- You are out of touch my friend, smiles the Master. It is no longer a question of cooking him but of digesting him.
- But we have not swallowed him yet!
- Yes, her, this young woman has eaten him… and now this nourishment is in the body of humanity.
- I still do not understand!
- Each action of each being in this universe causes a modification of the state of the body of humanity… You know that my friend… It is the base of the existence of this monastery and the creation of these « killers of State ».
- You want to say that her attention to your son connects your son to her… and that this wire is now a possibility for the men of being nourished of his Force, asked Hiro, almost shy in front of the importance of his words.
- Do not be afraid of your words, my friend… It is exactly that! … Heidi works for us more strongly than I could do it directly.
- But how can you be lower in power than this kid?
- But because she loves my son! … and that « my son » is wary of me… and it is for this reason that he left.
- It is this love which will make him return?
- Of course… He will never give up a Being who loves him… He will return to seek him to take him along with him in the Dimension which is his… beyond Bam.
- But then,… she will also leave… and all will be finished once again!
- No, nothing will be finished… Because she is in Bam and the Force always remains in the space which welcomes it and It nourishes it.
- So… started Hiro whose comprehension came to small steps…
-… So it is necessary to give to this young Heidi and to Tong, his apparent companion, Space that they need to exert their dream and to develop it, continued gently the Master.
- But how? asked Hiro.
- Quite simply while letting know that I recover very gently from my cooling and that I need time… Thus my monks will be reassured of my presence because I am the « security » for them… They know that! … I am their last reference when all is destroyed… Without me close to them they will not dare to venture in ways which they do not know…
…. And during this time there, like players monkeys, they will be opened to the novelties of Heidi and of Tong… and my son will return! says gently the old man. There was mist in his eyes and he lowered the eyelids to mask it to his old friend who sighed without really knowing why.
The fourth evening, Heidi felt the need to require of Tong to read the final chapter of the Book « the Child ».
She asked it with a gravity which frightens the long monk. He perceived that something escaped to him and there was tremor in his voice when he started to shell the words.
I go up the Boulevard of Clichy. I settle in a table of corner of the large café serving light meals where all has started. I went to the toilets. There was nobody. It is where I saw that you did not know how to say NO. You did not know. And you choked. The air did not come enough to your lungs, the roof of the world. You did not know how to do. Then, you have created the theater of your actions. It was necessary to act. Imperative!
Because there was no benevolent glance, it was necessary to act so that your interior does not burst. You tried to balance. You have almost succeeded in it, you know. By a hair’s breadth.
But you did not know that energy accumulates. You did not know. I would have said to you that all that is God. That life, it is beauty, ugliness, money, without money, kindness, spite, lightness, heaviness, depth, surperficiality. I would have said all that to you. I would have liked to say to you that the problem is much simpler than you believed it.
You just have to know where, you, you are placed in all this circus. Because the circus, it is the men. They cannot make differently. Must not be upset by them.
But you did not have a benevolent glance on you. You could not feel it. Then, you have created your theater. You have forced the spectators to come to sit down in front of the stage. You have forced them to go up on the stage.
God, how you must have laughed to see two ministers being disturbed and so on. God! What a beautiful joke! Bravo, guy. I take mi hat off to you.
But you did not have a benevolent glance on you. You could not know that the vase was filled. You could not know that it was going to overflow and to take you along. Because you did not know how to say NO.
Then, you could not act in the good place. You have believed that your theater was going to save you, to discharge to you. You have believed that a « new look » could save you.
One does not run away, little. Your skin was not extensible. But you did not know it. Only a benevolent glance would have said that to you. But you did not have it. However you have looked for it.
You wanted to believe in them, the… But you knew however that it was not true. You knew that they only look for defending their structure. Not charged with yours, they were.
But you are kid. You still believed in it. It was imperative that you believe in it. IMPERATIVE.
However you knew. You have said it in your diary. Oh! Must read between the lines.
Do not have regrets. You could not get out of trouble. Except an extraordinary meeting. But you did not have this chance. I would have liked to say to you, because you were courageous, that windmills should not be fought. And that these mills cannot make differently than to turn like that. That you did not help them while fighting with them … Not at all.
It is you whom you destroyed, day after day, by small piece. And you did not see the last.
Do not have regrets. You could not.
What do you want me to do, Stéphane Cola? …
Mr STEPHANE Cola. What do you want?
And you, Small Father, what do you want that I do? What do you want?
The thin rain does not cease a moment. My deer jacket is soaked. My steps guide me towards the public garden, on YOUR bench and I look at Your tree. It is there that you must come while leaving the house. You did not have an other place. How long one has let you sleep when you returned from the meeting with Tarin. Him, José, must want to bump you off. But not Tarin… Then, on the order of Tarin, José had to take you back. Nasty as he is, I even believe that he let you return on foot. How long did it remain to you? And you could only but to flee. How long on this bench?
It is there, in front of this tree, that all was played, wasn't it? You could not flee anymore.
You could not go back anymore. You could not fight anymore.
And the remainder was easy. As in a dream. The cellar. The coal. The bags. The rope to draw. You had left without slipper, without dressing gown. You had only to lie you. And to draw the rope.
It just remains to go up, isn’t it Stéph? You cry over your satin pillow? You cannot leave on a lie, my Stéph.
Now I must complete the work… for you, my Stéph.
I climb the stairs leading to the Colas' flat.
- Ah! It is you, Superintendent… Come in… Sorry for the disorder. I do not know anymore where I am… What a misfortune!
- Which one?
- But… My child killed, my daughter in prison… People…
- What did it occur this night?
- But… What the newspapers say… The police officers… YOU…
- Not me… I do not say anything. Thus! Answer!
My hand left all alone. My phalanxes have knocked her cheekbone. I like symmetry. I gave the twin on other side.
- What did it occur this night there? I ask once again.
My voice without intonation gives her goose pimples. Unless it was my eyes which do not bat an eyelid in front of hers.
- But… I do not know… I did not understand his reactions. However I am accustomed to coming to sleep in his bed… when with my husband… You know, the life is not pink! …
- You are malicious. What happens to you, Mister the Chief Superintendent. Me who found you very well… I even spoke about it all around here.
The twin sets out again. Her head knocked on the casing. She turned on herself and clung to the file of the armchair.
- I… I did not know! I swear you! … He cried… He said « shut up »… As if we could say such a thing to OUR mother. Ah! he has heard me! … I have told him his truths… That he was well a man, like his father, selfish, thinking only of him… That HIS mother, he made fun about her like his father… Ungrateful persons! … Here what I have said to him, Mister the Chief Superintendent! … And I would like to know what there is wrong for a mother to remind her son that he must take care of her, defend her, assist her… It is the role of the son! Here what I have said! … And I am not ashamed of it, Mister the Chief Superintendent… Whether you like it or not! … And besides, I will complain to your superiors…
- To say that your son was alive at the time when everybody believes him dead ?… No, Mrs Cola. You will not say anything… You would be too afraid that the load falls down on your frail shoulders.
- No, no « but ». It is you who killed your son. You try to hide it since the first day… He was warned out. The load was too heavy. But when he shouts you « ENOUGH ! », you, yes YOU, make him feel guilty a little more. Because you do not tolerate this insubordination, because the WORLD turns around YOU, Mrs COLAS, mother of STEPHANE COLA who has committed suicide… YOU are the navel of the World, Madam…
- Go away… and I will say EVERYTHING to the police chief. … My daughter will return, people will…
- No… No more possible. I have tied up each one well. Nobody can reconsider his declarations… Listen! , Go and explain NOW that you knew that your son had committed suicide and that at the same time… No, Mrs Colas. I have finished off everything… There remains nothing anymore to you. No more son, no more daughter, the total disapproval of people because you knew the life which your daughter carried out… You covered everything, Madam… I do not leave you anything. Worse than death.
- You are only one bastard, Mister the Chief Superintendent… How do you dare to do that to me? … But I did not do anything! … He has left while running. He ran away from the room… I have really tried to catch him up.
- Until where?
- Well… I went to the kitchen… I made me an herbal tea. I have waited… But I also needed to sleep! You cannot know what are the responsibilities of a mother! … I must rest! … I could not wait for him all the night.
- He was outside, in the public garden… very close.
- But… What did he make outside? … You do not think all the same that I was going to get dress to run behind a dirty kid who runs away from home and who speaks to his mother in that tone of voice! I do not allow!
- Tell me? … A last question… You had made him having his tonsils removed?
- Of course. He made tonsillitis after tonsillitis… It was three years ago… Why this question?
- Nothing… For nothing… Good-bye, Mrs Cola.
Do not regret anything, my Steph… Dear… You could not control anything. You had also your tonsils removed. You could no longer control the beam of the punishment. You could not anymore.
Perhaps I could have taught you how to look at. Because there exists a manner which draws aside the bars of the prison. There exists one. In a glance of benevolence.
I hold you in my arms.
See you, Steph.
You are not dead anymore!
- Yes, death exists however says Heidi…
- But this « Angel » says the opposite! offended Tong.
- The « Angel » from here told me that death exists…
Tong looked at her interrogative. Then she added:
- He said to me that when you lost enthusiasm to make live your original Dignity, you are dead… But that one does not know it.
- Why you do not know it?
- He said that it is in relation to the vibrations of energy… That what we believe being our personal knowledge is only the Knowledge of the energetic flow with which we are connected… And that each flow is defined by a vibration.
- Then, asked Tong… What does that want to really mean?
- That means that we do not exist by ourself. It is a flow which exists and our intelligence which is a tool of our biological brain is the decoder of the Intelligence of the flow with which we put ourselves in vibration, she says calmly because the words ran freely and she did not even know that it was her which was speaking.
- But why these choices?
- He said that each flow has its dreams, its fears, its hopes… and that our memory makes the choice of its flow… And by seeking the realization of our dreams and the cancellation of our fears, we push our energy in a type of vibration which will join that of the flow which carries our hopes… And after that all seems obvious and normal because it is the Obviousness of the flow which we have chosen.
- Is it that which he said in the Temple. « Your conclusion falls under your space of Obviousness»
- Yes, it is that… Any appreciation and conclusion are function of the positioning of the look, he always repeated me when I throw myself without looking into the first « obviousnesses » of each thing…
… He has learned me how to live differently than with the memory… she says gently with words which seemed caresses on the body of the life.
The young woman became quiet. The words did not go up anymore from her throat. The breath became little. Her eyes went in a Universe that the long monk did not know. He did not know either the vibrations which emanated from the body of Heidi, those which he perceived now and which raised his body in a very new enthusiasm.
- Death did not take Him, she says… He will return.
- Why He would return in all this disorder which develops here.
- Because I need Him, she says gently.
- But He will be in danger here… I feel it in all the fibers of my body!
- How you are stupid, she says while smiling… You do not know yet what is a True Woman!
He looked at her with the same interrogation which was now his habit with her. She smiles beyond him, in another Dimension.
- I would protect Him… I would give Him space to breathe… I would give Him the field of adventure to act… Such is the True Woman! … You do not know her yet in your heart, my friend?
She entered her eyes lengthily in him and she added.
- Because a man must become a True Woman before being a True Man!
Tong lowered the head. He understood with the heart… But his body was dry there of this richness.